Life at home....definitely full of ups and downs. After 6 months of 24/7 fellowship, community, love, support, encouragement, and the whole shabang, being home alone for 2 whole days seems terribly depressing. When I look at my actual circumstance, however, I realize that life isn't as awful as it seems at the moment. It is pretty pathetic, almost, that I get depressed after being alone for a couple days, when some people have NO one...EVER. Not even ONE day in the week. Maybe this is what God is teaching me over these couple of days...I am so fortunate to have what I have in my life: a loving family, a loving boyfriend with a wonderful family, a couple of awesome friends, a comfortable home...the list goes on.
Although I can see through this haze, I still don't "feel" any better, in the present moment. I'm sure everyone knows how that feels. I can see the breakage in the near distance, but I just can't clear the fog from my mind. Wallowing in my loneliness, wishing Sam wasn't gone for a week, wishing my parents were home, wishing I had someone here with me right now...it all is rather daunting! Sounds silly, I'm sure, to anyone who reads this. Like I said, many people have much greater worries and sorrows in their lives right now than being alone for a few days!
Life has never been the same once I returned from the journey of a lifetime. Nothing satisfies the way it used to...nothing is fulfilling when you do it alone...nothing matters more than being with people, loving them. For, when we love others, we love God. As I mentioned before, I was around the most wonderful people for 6 months straight. This group was loving, encouraging, supporting, and completely in love with Jesus. You just can't go from that to this...not without having moments of depression, as well as longing for that love and fellowship again. So, I consider myself "normal." It is "normal" to long to be with those people in your life who build you up, make you stronger in the Lord, and challenge your ways and thoughts. It is "normal" to be bored with the way of home life after traveling half way around the world to Israel and Ethiopia for 2 months. It is "normal" to desire to be somewhere else- right now.
And so, I will attempt to be alone- not lonely! I will "allow" the Lord Jesus to do the work in me He is longing to complete. I will not sit here and allow these stinging daggers to bring me down, because, the truth is...I am loved. Whether people are here to tell me and show me, in this moment, or not- I KNOW I am loved. Not only by the people in my life, but by my Creator.
A prayer: Lord, help me to see what You see in this situation, and all others. Be with those people who either have no one in their lives at all, or who have no one who really cares for and loves them the way You love them. Lead me to people like this, Father. Lead others to people like this, as well. Let Your body rise up and comfort all who mourn, to replace their sadness with joy, to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. Let the sorrows and struggles of this world draw us all the more closer to one another. Use these things to strength the unity in the body of Christ. And, finally, I want to thank You, Jesus for allowing me to feel even a glimpse of what the true lonely feel daily, perhaps. Thank You for using this for my good. You make all things work together for my good, and I love You for that.
Alissa!
ReplyDeleteI understand the things you are going through. I have struggled with many of your same feelings after coming to Korea. But i want to share with you that no matter our state (whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual) our God is ALWAYS with us. I know you know this but we don't always believe it (and sometimes dont want to). He is with us in the moments where we feel we are being used to our full potential and He is there when we fall way short and crumble. He's there when we feel broken and lonely, or alone and the best thing we can do is to go to Him. Seek Him and spend time with Him, you can learn from Him in a new way. He's there waiting to have fellowship with you and waiting for you to receive His great love, and waiting to shower you with compassion, and encourage you to keep going and encourage to know Him deeper and in a new or different way. He's there waiting. Maybe its time to sift through more of the things you learned in the past 6 months. We can't always be running forward. We need moments to stop and reflect and to maybe see a new point of view. We need times alone with Him.
I hope this can shine some sort of joy into your day. I love you : D and i am praying for you and for the lonely. I pray they will seek the love of the Lord and find Him so He may become a blanket of joy, peace and protection. My He wrap Himself around them in their time of need.
Alissa,
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for praying for me and for allowing God to speak through you, and use you to speak truth into my life! I also thank you for joining me in prayer for the lonely...I love when Jesus puts specific people (although broad, at the same time) on our hearts to pray for, and it is really amazing when we join together in that! I appreciate your honesty...relating to my situation, and all. It's hard to admit, often times, that we are struggling and that WE don't have the answers. I love you SO much and I am praying for you, as well :)