Idle belief

Idleness, as if referring to a machine, confuses me when I read about it according to faith. We are given a warning about spending time with believers who are idle, yet I do not understand. Are we not all idle, in some way or another? Or is that just my way out of taking those Holy words for what they are? Are we not to persevere through the hard times with our fellow believers, including times of idleness? “May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance,” is the verse in 2 Thessalonians directly before the section on idleness, and our warning against it.

Often times, I wonder if I over-think even the simplest of things, and if other people think about things the way I do. It doesn’t feel like they do…I feel so alone in my thoughts and ideas, yet I feel there is a purpose for it sometimes. I am not sure if it is a gift or a burden…or if it is a gift, and the enemy also uses it to confuse me, and make me question everything. Some would call it, in the gift perspective, discernment. Others would say I think too much. I think it is both, but the confusing part of it is that I cannot tell which is ruling when I’m in the midst of a struggle or question. Like this idleness thing; my mind is telling me I am to break away from the one I love because he is idle, but my heart is telling me that Jesus is not black and white, and that He gains glory when we persevere and work through hard times and disbelief. The Jesus I know would not have me abandon one of his children when they are at their lowest point, but the God I hear in this scripture, in 2 Thessalonians, tells me otherwise…that we are also weak, and need not to be brought down by the idle believers we are around. So which is it? Look out for ourselves, or look out for our brothers and sisters? I guess I am being pretty black and white in that question, because whichever is the right and good thing to do is pure, because everything good and right is from God.

Why do I worry myself with the things of this world? Is not God with me at all times? Is he not with my love at all times? If I knew that in my heart, I wouldn’t question him and his goodness like I am right now. Lord, forgive my failing faith and strength. Maybe we are not so unevenly yoked, after all. For, I am just as weak and distant as he. The only difference is I still want to grow closer to God, and I still want to live a life for Jesus, alone. But, that’s a pretty big difference…one that can surely tear two apart.

Nothing is guaranteed

I have these ideas in my mind...these fabricated promises..."promises" that are not written in the Word, and ones that I know to be self-invented. I always assume that the things I want in life, and the things I work at in life, are promised to me...guaranteed. I feel deserving of a perfect relationship in which I will marry the man I want- when I want. I feel that if I try hard in school, I am guaranteed a good grade, and retention of the heavy info presented. Sure; these don't seem like irrational things to feel entitled to, but, the truth of it is- we aren't entitled to anything. There is only one thing in which Jesus gave us a guarantee, and that is His love for us. Our love for Him has its ups and downs...but His...His is unchanging. So why isn't this promise good enough for me? Why do I constantly crave the things of the world? God created marriage, as he created education and everything else on this earth, but He never intended for us to look to those things above Him! It is just too easy to do when you are unaware and vulnerable. Nothing satisfies...nothing quenches the longing in my heart for true, genuine, constant love. As depressing as this may sound, I feel blessed by it...because I don't want to feel this love by anyone that is bound to disappoint me at one point or another. I want to be loved in the truest form by the One who will never disappoint or reject me. How beautiful is it that the Lord made us, with the incredible depths of our hearts, so we couldn't replace Him and be completely happy? As wonderful as this is, it is also difficult to understand and remember in those times of disappointment and sadness. But, those times always bring me right back this fact....which makes is all worth it.

Rejection

Rejection. Why is this concept one of the greatest fears of them all? What is so special about man that we deeply fear being rejected by them? What will man’s acceptance really allow us to gain on this earth? These answers I do not know...yet rejection rules my life. I sit and wonder, often times, “What is wrong with me?” In my mind, there must be something wrong with me that people simply do not like. There just must be! Is it really so that we, believers, will be hated because of Jesus? I know the bible says this, but it is hard to believe that the only reason people reject me is because of Jesus...especially since a lot of the people are believers, themselves. 

Oh, what I would give for a day in the life of an outsider, looking in on me and my life. I am sure I would pick up real quick on the things that create distance between myself and others. I feel as if I am that “special friend” to no one. I am just the friend who is there when there is nothing else to do, or when something is wrong, and someone is in need of a listener. But, I have more to offer than that...I know I do. I long for a friendship with someone who loves and values me as I love and value them. It isn’t the same when it is your boyfriend, either.

I think one of my main problems is that I just care too much. I know God has made me this way for a reason, though...so I can’t figure out if I am supposed to change that, or if I am supposed to learn patience, to wait until I am older, when people in my life will appreciate that quality about me. When I tell Sam that I feel like people just don’t like me, he thinks it is beyond silly, because he just cannot see why anyone wouldn’t like me. Hah. As sweet and pure as he and his thoughts are, he is also naive to think everyone (or anyone) would feel the same way about me as he does. I am blessed to have someone in my life who is so fond of me, but I want more than just one amazing person, I guess...I want friends. GIRL friends. Girls who love me, and see the good in me. I know there are girls who love me, I’m not in total deception. I just want to be special to someone...someone other than my (wonderful) boyfriend and parents. I think most people may understand that feeling.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, of of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10) It is as simple as that. I cannot help but try to receive the acceptance and approval of man. It is a part of who I am. But, it is not the right way to think, or the right way to act. I genuinely hope and pray that I can live one whole day, seeking God’s approval, and not man’s. God, I know you can give this to me. Only You can give this to me. I am not here to solely please others, but to please You. I know it is pleasing to You when we love one another, but I do not have the right balance. Bless me with this balance, Father. Let me not become bitter and cold, but let me pour out the love inside of me, that You have given me. Let me be who You have created me to be, even if that means I will never be accepted in this world. Let me know that You accept me and love me, just the way I am.

Now, I see the light

"A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24

Why is it that some of us seem to think people should always be nice to us, but we rarely consider how we are treating them? I, unfortunately, fall into this category. I am the first to victimize myself, and point out others for "treating me wrong," but, when I look back on the situations, I realize that I could have acted differently, as well.

You see, I have these standards...these expectations on people that are just...unfair. I expect to be treated a certain way; everyone being aware of me and my feelings, showing me love when I need it, space when I don't, and being more trustworthy than my own self. Ha. Writing it out sounds ohhh so much sillier than in my mind! Isn't it always that way, though? The enemy loves when we hold these feelings in, because we convince ourselves that they are logical and true...but once they are spoken out in any way, they come to the light. What beauty. "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." 1 Corinthians 4:5.

These false expectations have lead me to look to people for my happiness, joy, and love, when I should be looking to my Father in Heaven. I end up in the same spot, every time I begin relying on man and not Jesus. I end up feeling disappointed...sad...unwanted...unloved. You get the idea. All of these emotions I have are only there, I believe, because God is trying to show me that I will feel empty and unsatisfied without Him as my center. He is trying to show me that man will never fully satisfy those deep longings He has put inside me that only He can fill...no matter how wonderful the people are. He is the one that is supposed to be my best friend...the friend that is closer to me, and to my heart, than a sister or brother. How amazing is that? That He created us to long for Him in ways we cannot even understand, as humans?

Lord, I want to thank You for the feeling of emptiness, at times, because it always brings me back to You. It always makes me realize that I need You more than anything or anyone on this Earth. Help me to have more grace on people. Help me to be friendly to others, in the way I want others to be friendly to me. Help me see with new eyes, feel with a new heart, think with a new mind, and pray & worship with a new soul. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Do not cast Your Spirit away from me. Work inside me and through me, Jesus, all the days of my life. I love you sooo much.

Touched by grace

Sometimes, while I am at work, surrounded by the many life-changing results of various accidents, I think about how easily the situation could be reversed. Here I am, caring for the people who had something happen to them that was out of their control, whether it be a car accident, a fall, a stroke, a worn-down knee, or something completely random like a tire blowing up in their face, and I know I could easily, and just as suddenly, be the one that is being cared for and not doing the caring. When I think about this, it doesn't depress me, but makes me realize that the only reason I am in the position I am in is because of God's grace. Nothing else. A lot of the time, I feel sad inside for the patients and their families, but I know that God has placed me here, in each of their lives, for a reason...that He has put me on this "side of the fence" for a purpose, even though I do not always see it at the present time.

How amazing is it that He uses us, His very creations, to touch others and to bring them closer to Him? I cannot even fathom this...All I know is that He doesn't need us, but He uses us because He loves us so deeply. The work He does through me touches me, and I think He wants that for me, and for each of us! I think He allows "us" to touch others, ultimately to touch us, as well. Oh, what love...

The grace that our Father has on us is absolutely mind-blowing, but then the questions comes: "why are these people here, and I am not?" "Why do You have grace on me and not on them?" "Why is this little boy's life changed forever, due to his injuries, while his peers move along, normally?" The questions spin in my head, at times, and that is where the fight is...

I don't understand many things about God. I don't understand His healing, or His reasons for allowing certain things to happen to some and not to others, or even His unconditional love. The only way I can work in the nursing field and not become bitter towards Him is by knowing and believing that everything He allows and does is because He loves us. I believe that He allows the people to be here, patients and employees alike, because He knows it is for their good in some way. I simply cannot believe that He would let something tragic happen to His own child if there was no hope of them growing through it, and closer to Him. However, I am not God, and I was not designed to know or understand these things! All I know is that he loves each of us; therefore He does nothing to harm or hurt us...right? Sometimes I wonder what is fact and what is learned/inherited opinion. Especially when it comes to Jesus. So much of what Christianity is about is based off of opinions and beliefs of our churches and families, and a lot of it isn't even written in the Bible. I hope to seek out the truth, all of my days, and never believe anything false about our Heavenly Father.

You make all things work together for my good

Life at home....definitely full of ups and downs. After 6 months of 24/7 fellowship, community, love, support, encouragement, and the whole shabang, being home alone for 2 whole days seems terribly depressing. When I look at my actual circumstance, however, I realize that life isn't as awful as it seems at the moment. It is pretty pathetic, almost, that I get depressed after being alone for a couple days, when some people have NO one...EVER. Not even ONE day in the week. Maybe this is what God is teaching me over these couple of days...I am so fortunate to have what I have in my life: a loving family, a loving boyfriend with a wonderful family, a couple of awesome friends, a comfortable home...the list goes on. 


Although I can see through this haze, I still don't "feel" any better, in the present moment. I'm sure everyone knows how that feels. I can see the breakage in the near distance, but I just can't clear the fog from my mind. Wallowing in my loneliness, wishing Sam wasn't gone for a week, wishing my parents were home, wishing I had someone here with me right now...it all is rather daunting! Sounds silly, I'm sure, to anyone who reads this. Like I said, many people have much greater worries and sorrows in their lives right now than being alone for a few days! 


Life has never been the same once I returned from the journey of a lifetime. Nothing satisfies the way it used to...nothing is fulfilling when you do it alone...nothing matters more than being with people, loving them. For, when we love others, we love God. As I mentioned before, I was around the most wonderful people for 6 months straight. This group was loving, encouraging, supporting, and completely in love with Jesus. You just can't go from that to this...not without having moments of depression, as well as longing for that love and fellowship again. So, I consider myself "normal." It is "normal" to long to be with those people in your life who build you up, make you stronger in the Lord, and challenge your ways and thoughts. It is "normal" to be bored with the way of home life after traveling half way around the world to Israel and Ethiopia for 2 months. It is "normal" to desire to be somewhere else- right now. 


And so, I will attempt to be alone- not lonely! I will "allow" the Lord Jesus to do the work in me He is longing to complete. I will not sit here and allow these stinging daggers to bring me down, because, the truth is...I am loved. Whether people are here to tell me and show me, in this moment, or not- I KNOW I am loved. Not only by the people in my life, but by my Creator. 


A prayer: Lord, help me to see what You see in this situation, and all others. Be with those people who either have no one in their lives at all, or who have no one who really cares for and loves them the way You love them. Lead me to people like this, Father. Lead others to people like this, as well. Let Your body rise up and comfort all who mourn, to replace their sadness with joy, to bestow upon them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. Let the sorrows and struggles of this world draw us all the more closer to one another. Use these things to strength the unity in the body of Christ. And, finally, I want to thank You, Jesus for allowing me to feel even a glimpse of what the true lonely feel daily, perhaps. Thank You for using this for my good. You make all things work together for my good, and I love You for that.